nuts

i'm getting weird about food. my excuse is that my fridge didnt work and i had no groceries. so i'd eat weird take-out and it felt really pathetic, gave me low energy and guilt. now i realize how much i spent on food eating out those first weeks and am panicking, so i run on coffee and a banana till after work drinks. it makes me excited about how i look. then ashamed of my desire to be beutiful in some stupid oversexualized way. which makes me panic and obsessive about my work so as to be taken seriously. and happy that maybe this man in my life will have a crush on me back. now we're back to pathetic.